The Magic School Bus Uncensored
by StayAwayFromNick
Summary: What happens when Ms. Frizzle teaches the class about the dark realities of life. Rated M for brutal violence, strong language, graphic sexual content, and drug use.
1. Racism

One day, the children were sitting in their seats, waiting for their teacher, Ms. Frizzle, to show up. A few hours later, she finally showed up.

"Hello, class," said Ms. Frizzle.

"Hello, Ms. Frizzle," said the class.

"The first lesson of today will be about racism," said Ms. Frizzle.

"I will pretend to be a white supremacist and address you children with derogatory terms.

"Keesha, I'm going to call you a nigger. Wanda, I'm going to call you a chink. Arnold, I'm going to call you a kike. Ralphy, I'm going to call you a wop. Carlos, I'm going to call you a wetback," said Ms. Frizzle.

"Yes!" said Dorothy Ann, who was a bigot. "Having students of different ethnicities in this classroom makes me sick. WHITE POWER!

"I'm not really racist, you idiot. I'm just teaching this class about racism," said Ms. Frizzle.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were a race traitor," said Dorothy Ann, who then performed the Hitler salute. "Anti-racist is a codeword for anti-white. HEIL HITLER!"

"And finally, Dorothy Ann, I'm going to call you a cracker," said Ms. Frizzle.

"FUCK YOU, YOU NIGGER, KIKE, WETBACK, CHINK, AND WOP ENABLER!" shouted Dorothy Ann. Then she started listening to Skrewdriver on her iPod. She was dancing to the song "White Warriors". Her other favorite song was "Skinhead Boy" by Prussian Blue, but was disgusted when she found out that they became "race traitors" recently.

"Anyway, class, that is racism," said Ms. Frizzle.

"Um, Ms. Frizzle?" said Carlos.

"What?" said Ms. Frizzle.

"I'm gay," said Carlos. Dorothy Ann looked like she was about to throw up

"Why are you telling me this? I don't give a shit and this has nothing to do with the lesson," said Ms. Frizzle.

"Ew, so you're a wetback AND a faggot?" said Dorothy Ann. "GOD HATES FAGS AND WETBACKS. WHY DON'T YOU JUST OBEY THE WORD OF GOD AND BECOME A CHRISTIAN WHITE, STRAIGHT MAN!"

Carlos was so embarrassed that he almost hanged himself. Dorothy Ann was upset when she found out that he didn't hang himself.

"Dorothy Ann, shut the fuck up. Carlos, stay in your seat and if I see that noose out again, I will have to ask you to leave," said Ms. Frizzle.

"Why are you defending that filthy fag and wetback?" asked Dorothy Ann.

"I told you to shut the fuck up," said Ms. Frizzle

"YOU FILTHY WHORE! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M BEING TAUGHT BY A FAG ENABLER AND A RACE TRAITOR!" shouted Dorothy Ann.

"That's it!" said Ms. Frizzle. She took out a gun and shot Dorothy Ann in the head. Dorothy Ann died instantly. Everybody in the class cheered.

"Finally, she's shut the fuck up," said Ms. Frizzle.


	2. Sex

**A/N: **Since none of you fucking idiots reviewed my first chapter, I decided, with the help of my brother (ThatGuyBehindYou), to post the next chapter. Enjoy, motherfuckers. Or don't enjoy. I really don't give a shit.

The next day, the children waited for Ms. Frizzle for 11 hours. "Today, class, we are going to learn about sex," said Ms. Frizzle at 7:00 p.m. when she finally showed up. "For our first lesson, we will learn about private parts from this song I wrote just now." She took off her dress that she wore every day. She then took off her bra and underwear and jumped up on the desk and demanded that Liz give her a beat. Liz began beatboxing and Ms. Frizzle started dancing like a stripper and rapping.

"Look at my vagina. Look at my vagina," rapped Ms. Frizzle, shoving her vagina in the students' faces. Then, while shaking her big breasts around, she rapped, "Look at my boobies. Look at my boobies."

Ms. Frizzle then went up to Ralphie and said, "Now I'm going to suck on your penis." While sucking on Ralphie's penis, she said, "Ulk. Ulk. Ulk. Ulk."

"Is it just me, or is Ms. Frizzle giving me a blowjob?" Ralphie said.

"Excellent observation, Ralphie!" she said. "That, class, is called oral sex."

Ms. Frizzle then went up to Phoebe.

"Okay class," she said. "This is rape, which is when someone forces someone else to have sex with them." With that, she began to rape Phoebe. "Uh, uh, uh, uh. Take it away, Phoebe. That feels good," said Ms. Frizzle.

"At my old school, we never got raped," said Phoebe.

"That's it. Because you're complaining, 10 more hours of raping," said Ms. Frizzle.

After 10 hours, Phoebe said, "Yes! It's finally over!"

"That's it! 20 more hours of raping," said Ms. Frizzle. "Oh, Phoebe, those childish fingers feel so good in my adult vagina." Phoebe got nauseous and threw up all her organs and died.

Not noticing she was dead, Ms. Frizzle continued to rape Phoebe for 20 more hours. Then, stepping away from Phoebe's corpse, Ms. Frizzle said "You see class, raping a child is also known as child molestation or pedophilia. But I am not a pedophile, because I simply used Phoebe as a demonstration."

Ms. Frizzle then went up to Arnold.

"Now class," she said. "Many people have sexual fetishes, which means they are aroused by certain objects or situtions. My sexual fetish is freezing." With that, she put Arnold in the classroom freezer for 3 hours. Arnold screamed and cried and banged on the door until he was completely frozen. When she finally took him out, she tore off his frozen clothes and stuck his frozen penis into her vagina. "That frozen penis feels good in my unfrozen vagina," said Ms. Frizzle.

"Let me go!" screamed Arnold in a muffled voice. Ms. Frizzle couldn't hear him and continued to stick his frozen penis into her unfrozen vagina. "I knew I should have stayed home today," he said, sadly. After 5 hours, Arnold dropped dead to the floor after being frozen for many hours. Ms. Frizzle, not noticing he was dead, concluded her lesson by saying. "Well class, that is sex."


	3. Celebrities

The next day, the children waited for Ms. Frizzle for 20 hours. "Today, class, we are going to learn about one of the ways life can go seriously wrong." said Ms Frizzle at 4:00 a.m. when she finally showed up. And that way, children, is to become a celebrity. Becoming a celebrity is one of the stupidest things you can ever do. So for this lesson, I will have you all become certain celebrities so you can see how horrible it is to be one.""Wanda, you're going to become Wanda Sykes. Ralphie, you're going to become Ralphie from _A Christmas Story_. Carlos, you're going to become Carlos Santana. Keesha, you're going to become Ke$ha."

Keesha stood up and asked, "But why do I have to become Ke$ha?"

"I don't know," said Ms. Frizzle. "Name similarities, I guess."

"Oh bad. Oh bad bad bad."

"WHAT?" snapped Ms. Frizzle.

"I don't want to become Ke$ha, Ms. Frizzle," said Keesha.

"YOU HAVE TO!" screamed Ms. Frizzle.

"But I don't look anything like Ke$ha," said Keesha.

"Wanda doesn't look anything like Wanda Sykes. Ralphie doesn't look anything like Ralphie from _A Christmas Story_. Carlos doesn't look anything like Carlos Santana. So what's your fucking point?" said Ms. Frizzle.

"But I don't even like Ke$ha," said Keesha.

"I don't care," said Ms. Frizzle. "This doesn't have anything to do with pleasing you. You have to become Ke$ha."

"But the only music that I like is Rebecca Black, Jenna Rose, and Devin Fox," said Keesha.

"I said this doesn't have anything to do with pleasing you. You are being forced to become Ke$ha," said Ms. Frizzle. At that moment, Ms. Frizzle took out a bucket of bleach and poured it all over Keesha. After Keesha was white and blonde, Ms. Frizzle took out a bottle of whiskey and forced Keesha to drink it. After Keesha drank all of the whiskey, she had become Ke$ha. "Now sing 'Tik Tok'," said Ms. Frizzle. After Keesha/Ke$ha sang "Tik Tok", Ms. Frizzle was furious. "THAT WAS HORRIBLE," yelled Ms. Frizzle. She hit Keesha/Ke$ha with a baseball bat and threw her out the window. Keesha/Ke$ha died. "You see class," explained Ms. Frizzle. "Sometimes being a celebrity can literally kill you. SO DON'T EVER BECOME ONE!"


	4. Drugs

The next day, the students waited for Ms. Frizzle for 24 hours. The next day, when she finally showed up, she was wearing a long trench coat.

"Good morning class," she said. "Today we will be learning about the harms of drug abuse." She opened her trench coat to reveal dozens of needles and dozens of tiny packets of powder. "Now, I will need a few volunteers to assist me. Carlos, you are going to come smoke some pot." She gave Carlos a bong and lit it up for him. "Now, suck it as much as you can and blow it out." Carlos did as he was told.

"Duuuuude," Carlos said, obviously high, "I'm like totally gay."

"Why the fuck do you keep bringing this up? I already told you that I don't give a shit. It also has nothing to do with the lesson," said Ms. Frizzle, "so shut the fuck up and smoke some more pot."

"I wish I could suck a big dick right now," said Carlos. "Hey Ralphie, do you want to get your big Italian dick sucked?"

"Is it just me, or is Carlos hitting on me?" wondered Ralphie aloud.

"I want you so bad," said Carlos. "I've had a crush on you since the first day of school. I follow you to the bathroom every day and I climb up the stalls and look at you while you pee." With that, Carlos took all his clothes off and leaned over Ms. Frizzle's desk. "Come on, Ralphie, you know you want to fuck me," said Carlos, "so do it."

"Is it just me, or does Carlos want me to fuck him?" wondered Ralphie, once again aloud.

"Okay, that's enough," said Ms. Frizzle. "The lesson on sex was 2 days ago, you should have fucked then. Ralphie, stop wondering aloud. And Carlos, if I see that ass out one more time, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Now," said Ms. Frizzle, "to continue our lesson, Ralphie, you are going to take these LSD tablets." With that, she forced Ralphie's mouth open and shoved the LSD tablets in.. Ralphie started singing, "Lucy in the sky with diamonds. Lucy in the sky with diamonds. Lucy in the sky with diamonds. Aaaaah." Ms. Frizzle was furious. "You sound horrible!" she screamed, slapping Ralphie across the face. "Stop singing, or you're going to have to leave the classroom." "But Ms. Frizzle," said Ralphie, "just because your hair is on fire and you have lollipops for eyes doesn't mean you get to tell me what to do. Besides, the pink elephants are forcing me to sing to the purple raccoons. If I stop, they'll shoot me with a gun that's shaped like a flower." With that, he looked at Carlos, shouted, "MMMM, CANDY!" and started making out with him. Carlos was in heaven, and before they knew it, they were having wild sex. Afterwards, Ms. Frizzle rolled her eyes and kicked them off of each other. "Okay, boys, that's quite enough," she said. Ralphie rubbed his head and wondered aloud, "Is it just me, or did I have gay sex with a monkey made out of candy?"

"Even better," said Carlos, "you just had sex with a _person _made out of candy. Get it?" The whole class was silent and just looked at him.

"You know, because I'm so sweet," Carlos said.

"CARLOS!" said the whole class.

"Okay, that is quite enough," said Ms. Frizzle. "Ralphie, if you wonder aloud one more fucking time, I will tell those pink elephants to shoot you with their flower-shaped guns. And Carlos, since you took your ass out again when I told you not to, you are going to have to leave. Now, if your ass isn't completely covered tomorrow, you will be suspended for the rest of the year." With that, she kicked Carlos out of the class and went up to Wanda.

"Now, Wanda," said Ms. Frizzle, taking a syringe out of one of her pockets, "you are going to try heroin." She grabbed Wanda's arm and poked her with the syringe. At that moment, Wanda's eyes grew extremely violent. "WHERE'S THE REST OF IT, YOU BITCH!" she screamed, knocking various desks over. Not answering Wanda, Ms. Frizzle said to the class, "You see, Wanda has become a junkie and has become extremely violent because she's craving more heroin." Wanda jumped up on Ms. Frizzle's desk and started searching her drawers. "I KNOW YOU'VE HIDDEN IT SOMEWHERE, YOU PSYCHO BITCH!" Wanda screamed. Not seeming to notice this, Ms. Frizzle said, "In 5 seconds, Wanda will experience withdrawal." The whole class started a countdown. "5, 4, 3, 2, 1!" After those 5 seconds, Wanda indeed began to withdraw. She began shivering and vomiting uncontrollably until she finally dropped to the floor dead. Ms. Frizzle turned to the class and said, "Well, class, that is drugs."


	5. Suicide

**A/N: Thank you for all your kind reviews. And yes, flamers, I'm talking to you, too.**

The next day, the remaining students waited for Ms. Frizzle for 48 hours.

"Okay, class. Today we will learn about suicide," said Ms. Frizzle two days later, when she finally showed up. "Suicide is when someone kills themself. For example, the Peoples Temple, led by Jim Jones, all commited suicide by drinking Kool-Aid laced with cyanide. Who wants to commit suicide?" Nobody raised their hand, so Ms. Frizzle called on Ralphie. "Ralphie, I have a pitcher of Kool-Aid on the desk.. It is laced with cyanide. I am now going to hypnotize you so that you want to die." After being hypnotized by Ms. Frizzle, Ralphie stood up on Ms. Frizzle's desk and declared, "If I can't live in peace, then I'll die in peace. I'm not committing suicide; it's a revolutionary act." He then drank the cyanide-laced Kool-Aid and died. Carlos was so upset that he hanged himself. "Well, class," said Ms. Frizzle to all of the dead bodies in the classroom, "that is suicide."


	6. Resurrection

The next day, nobody waited for Miss Frizzle (because everyone was dead, obviously) for 2 weeks. When she finally showed up, she was dressed as a witch.

"Good morning class," she said to the corpses all around the room. "Today we will be learning about resurrection." She took out her spell book and explained, "Resurrection is when a dead person is brought back from the dead. Today, I will resurrect someone. Now, I will need a volunteer. Please raise your hands and I will pick."

Because everyone was dead, no one raised their hands. "Okay, then I will drag someone up here," said Ms. Frizzle. She chose Dorothy Ann and dragged her corpse to her desk. She then performed a spell from her spell book and Dorothy Ann came to life.

"YOU RACE TRAITOR BITCH!" Dorothy Ann screamed, "YOU ARE GOING TO HELL FOR ALLOWING NON-WHITE CHILDREN INTO THIS CLASS!" She then performed the Hitler salute.

The next person Ms. Frizzle resurrected was Phoebe.

"I want to go to Egypt and have sex with camels," Phoebe said. She was still missing her organs, and it seemed that she had started to say the most random things as a result.

Ms. Frizzle then resurrected Arnold.

"Oh great, I'm alive again.," whined Arnold. "I knew I should have stayed home today."

"I wish you didn't have the ability to speak so that I wouldn't have to hear your stupid Jew mouth ever," said Dorothy Ann. "I can't wait until all the Jews on this planet are exterminated."

"Shut the fuck up, Dorothy Ann," said Ms. Frizzle.

The next person to be resurrected was Keesha/Ke$ha. Keesha/Ke$ha took out a bottle of whiskey and chugged it down.

"I like elephants," she said randomly before passing out

Wanda was the next person to be resurrected. She still had the side effects of the heroine with her.

"WHERE DID YOU PUT THAT HEROINE, BITCH?!" she screamed. Ms. Frizzle called the police and sent her to an insane asylum.

Dorothy Ann laughed. "That's what she gets for being a fucking chink," she said.

"Dorothy Ann, if you don't shut the fuck up, I'm going to tape your mouth shut, tie you up, and throw you in the janitor's closet," said Ms. Frizzle holding a roll of duct tape and a rope.

Ms. Frizzle resurrected Ralphie next.

"Is it just me, or am I alive again?" Ralphie wondered aloud.

"I am getting sick and tired of you wondering aloud, Ralphie. If you wonder aloud one more time, I will get out a baseball bat and wack your ass with it 300 times."

Carlos was the last person to be resurrected. Dorothy Ann was disgusted.

"Ew, the wetback faggot is alive," she sneered.

Carlos cried and took out a knife to stab himself.

"Carlos, put down that knife," ordered Ms. Frizzle. She finally had enough with Dorothy Ann's irritating comments. She taped her mouth shut, tied her up, and threw her into the janitor's closet. Dorothy Ann eventually died from lack of oxygen.

"Well anyway, class," said Ms. Frizzle when she returned to the classroom, "that is resurrection."


	7. Terrorism

The next day, the class waited for Ms. Frizzle for 3 centuries. When she finally showed up, Ms. Frizzle noticed that Tim Jamal was there, after being absent for so long.

"Where have you been?" asked Ms. Frizzle angrily.

"I was in Japan masturbating to tentacle hentai," Tim answered. "Speaking of which, may I go change my pants? I think I might have also peed in them."

"No!" Ms. Frizzle shrieked, "you have to stay for the lesson."

"It'll only take a minute," whined Tim.

"No means no, dammit!" said Ms. Frizzle. "Anyway, class, today we are going to be learning about terrorism." Arnold raised his hand. "Yes, Arnold?" said Ms. Frizzle impatiently.

"What is terrorism?" Arnold asked.

"I'm getting to that, you idiot," said Ms. Frizzle. "Now, class, terrorism is the use of violence to spread one's political, religious, racial, or ideological message. I am going to pretend to be a terrorist, myself. My motive will be political. I am going to be a militia member who hates the federal government and wants to kill Obama. Since Tim is black, he will be Obama." Keesha raised her hand. "Yes, Keesha?" Ms. Frizzle asked irritably.

"I'm black, too," Keesha said.

"Well, first of all, Obama is male. You are not. Second of all, this is the first time Tim appears in this story, so he has to die," said Ms. Frizzle.

"Wait, so we're in a story?" Tim asked, confused.

Not seeming to hear this, Ms. Frizzle continued, "I am going to buy an AR-15 from the gun store down the street." With that Ms. Frizzle left the room and went to the gun store. Decades later, she finally returned with an AR-15 in hand. She then pointed the gun at Tim. "Here's what happens when you take my guns away, Obama," said Ms. Frizzle in a Southern accent. Then, she shot Tim multiple times all over his body.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow," Tim said each time he was shot. The wounds on his body sprayed blood everywhere. "I think I'm going to die," said Tim. Then he died.

"Anyway, class," said Ms. Frizzle putting down the assault rifle, "that is terrorism."


	8. Eating Disorders

**A/N: If you get offended by this, grow a pair and stop being such a pussy.**

The next day, the class waited for Ms. Frizzle for ten million lifetimes.

"Today, class, we will be learning about eating disorders," said Ms. Frizzle when she finally showed up (what the hell takes her so long anyway?) "The first eating disorder we will be learning about is anorexia, which is where a person starves themselves because they think they're fat." She then went up to Keesha. "Keesha," she said, "I think you need to lose weight. You are really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really FAT!" She poked Keesha's belly and said, "Ew, it's so jiggly. It's jiggly like a bowl full of jello."

"I like jello," said Carlos, "but I like big penis more."

"Carlos, if you don't shut the fuck up, then I will keep you after class and have you gang-raped by a bunch of female prostitutes with fire pokers as dildos," Ms. Frizzle said in a surprisingly calm voice. "Anyway, Keesha, I think you need to lose weight."

"Oh, bad. Oh, bad bad bad," said Keesha. "Do I really need to lose weight?"

"Yes," said Ms. Frizzle immediately. "Just look at how fat you are. You're taking up the whole classroom. We can barely breathe in here. It's so disgusting." She then went to the front of the classroom. "Okay, class, time for lunch." All the students grabbed their lunches and went to line up by the door. Keesha started to follow them, but Ms. Frizzle stopped her. "Don't you think you've had enough to eat, tubby?" she said.

"I didn't even eat breakfast," said Keesha.

"Good," answered Ms. Frizzle. "You won't be eating lunch, either. Now sit down and starve."

After lunch, Keesha was already starting to experience symptoms. Her cheekbones and ribcage were more exposed.

Ms. Frizzle then went up to Phoebe. "Phoebe," she said, "you need to lose weight as well. Like Keesha, you are a fat little piggy." She turned to face the class. "Another eating disorder is bulimia, which is where you make yourself vomit up everything you eat." She turned back to Phoebe. "Now, Phoebe, the only way anyone is ever going to like you is if you lose all that piggy fat. Open up your mouth and let me put my fingers down your throat."

"WHY DID ZAYN HAVE TO LEAVE ONE DIRECTION?!" screamed Phoebe in one of her random outbursts. Before she could say anything else, Ms. Frizzle shoved her fingers down her throat. Phoebe vomited up all of her lunch and breakfast.

Washing off her hands, Ms. Frizzle explained, "While Keesha and Phoebe lose weight, I will explain a different kind of eating disorder: binge eating, which is where you eat a lot. She went up to Ralphie and grabbed his pudgy arm. "You are way too skinny, Ralphie. You need to put some meat on your bones." Before Ralphie could answer, she shoved a burger into his mouth. "Doesn't that taste good, Ralphie?!" Ms. Frizzle taunted, shoving a jelly donut into his mouth.

"Pfmpfmpfmpfm" said Ralphie.

"Don't talk with your mouth full," said Ms. Frizzle sticking an eight-foot deep fried twinkie down his throat.

"This is really turning me on," said Carlos.

"That's it. You are going to get gang-raped by the female prostitutes with fire poker dildos RIGHT NOW!" screamed Ms. Frizzle. While Carlos was getting his tight little ass ruptured by those hookers with painful dildos, Ms. Frizzle shoved several chili dogs into Ralphie's mouth and forced him to wash it down with ten billion gallons of cream soda. In just a short amount of time, Ralphie was literally taking up half the classroom because he was so fat.

"Can I have some of that food?" asked Keesha.

"No. Like I said, you are so fat that you are taking up half the classroom," answered Ms. Frizzle.

"LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER!" Phoebe blurted out.

"Shut up, tubby!" snapped Ms. Frizzle, shoving a piece of sugar pie into her mouth followed by a gallon of ipecac syrup. Phoebe instantly vomited up the pie. Ms. Frizzle scooped up the vomit with a ladle and poured it down Ralphie's throat.

"Is it just me or am I eating Phoebe's vomit?" Ralphie wondered aloud.

"Ralphie, I warned you that if you wondered aloud one more time, I was going to whack your ass with a baseball bat three hundred times," said Ms. Frizzle pulling out a baseball bat. She whacked his big, fat ass three hundred times. While he was being whacked, Ralphie's ass burst wide open, spewing the remnants of the food everywhere. Ralphie died from severe blood loss. Phoebe and Keesha died simultaneously; Phoebe from internal bleeding and Keesha from starvation. Cleaning herself off, Ms. Frizzle concluded, "Well, class, those are eating disorders."


End file.
